To Answer Your Question: Part 6
“Who Do You Miss Right Now?”
I love how pensive you are when we are in the car. If I’m quick enough, I can steal a glance of you looking out the window with God knows what going through your mind. Before I had you, I loved pulling up at a red light and looking over to see a kid in the next car staring seriously out of a window like he was contemplating his next career move or if he should refinance his mortgage. Sometimes, adults hear the concerns of children and laugh at how ridiculous they are. But, I’ve always known that your concerns are as valid to you as mine are to me. You don’t have anything else to compare your concerns to, so the scariest worry in your brain is as stressful to you as my scariest worry is to me. Sometimes, when you’re like this, I feel the need to interrupt the music video you are very obviously acting out in your head.
I always ask, “Hey. What are you thinking about?”
You often respond with, “Who do you miss right now?”
Sometimes the answer will vary but, more often than not, the answer is Auntie Stacie.
Sometimes, I refer to her as “my sister” instead of simply saying her name or referring to her as the title by which you know her best. We used to laugh every time Auntie Sina would call our house and ask to speak to “my brother” when she was referring to my dad. We thought it was a hilarious power move, but the older I get, the more I understand why she uses it. There is so much affection behind those words. To be an adult and refer to your grown adult sibling as that title, you evoke the long-held connection you’ve had with that person since your birth or theirs. It’s a connection we all rolled our eyes at at some point in our adolescence. But, if you’re lucky enough, you grow up to hold that affection fiercely. Every time I refer to Stacie as “my sister,” I set aside the adult version of myself that’s become the default mindframe, and I go back to when we were growing up and all that we experienced together.
Stacie is the first person I ever watched grow up. I’ve seen all of her stages and transitions. I cannot think of my sister for too long before I start tearing up. It happens a lot when I’m driving after work and I’m alone in the car. There is something about having a sibling you love so much that makes mortality sting more than usual. I can deal with things happening to me, but I can barely stomach the same things happening to Stacie. The only time this phenomenon is worse is when it involves you. I can imagine and accept the timely deaths of nearly everyone in my life except the two of you. In fact, I’m not confident I could survive the loss of either of you. I’ve dreamt about both scenarios and, in each dream, I can’t scream loudly enough to express the pain and I can’t rip my hair out any faster from my scalp.
When you are near me in a room, I can tell what you’re feeling based on how you breathe. I believe you and your dad have a strong connection, but I am connected to you in a very different way that is based on strength that can only come from my body. I can read your face and body language in ways no one else can. I believe this with my entire soul. I hope it’s always this way, but I understand if something this magical can only last temporarily, and I won’t hold it against you if it ever has to end. This is very close to the connection I have with my sister. We often can communicate without words when in the same room. We can anticipate each other’s needs, and we share a sense of humor. We don’t just enjoy the same kind of humor. We share one sense of humor entirely. It’s not the same thing.
When my sister laughs, it is one of the best sights to see. She laughs with everything she has, and there’s barely ever enough space in the room to contain her joy that is as authentic as it is infectious.
I’ve heard several parents explain that they love their children because they view them as the best part of themselves. You can put all your good into a child and, hopefully, hide away all the bad if you try hard enough. I do feel this way with you, but I first felt this way with Stacie. I’ll never understand why I’ve felt such a responsibility for her because we are only five years apart, but I feel like she has all the best parts of me in her. The exceptionally special thing about her is that all the rest of her are her own best parts. There is no bad part in Stacie.
Sometimes, I think she is my one shot to right all my wrongs. It’s a common point of conversation to ask someone what they would do differently if they could go back in time with the knowledge and experience they now have. Well, I don’t have to imagine going back to five years ago…I can just warn Stacie now of all the things she shouldn’t do. The irony here is that Stacie doesn’t need any of those warnings anyway. But, I still try. Just in case.
My sister is one of the purest people I know, and she has mastered the art of never taking herself or anyone else too seriously. She knows who she is and consistently makes decisions for herself that often do not mirror the decisions of her friends or peers. I have never once witnessed my sister demonstrate a fear of missing out, while nearly everyone else struggles with it.
Being near Stacie is very much like sitting in the sun for me, so I miss her especially when the world feels colder than usual.
And, now, she’s become a mother. When we threw her a baby shower, I jokingly kept insisting that we have “only the best for my sister,” but I was also kind of serious. I just want to know she’s okay and that she always has exactly what she needs. Not most of what she needs or close to what she needs. Exactly what she needs, and more. A person that good deserves those things. She is rare and we have to take care of people like that.
I know she is already an ideal mother because of how good she has always been with you. She is so patient with you, and she is genuine when she speaks to you. I can tell when people are simply interacting with you to put on a show for me versus when they’re genuinely interested in speaking with you. Stacie has never missed an opportunity to speak with you, and she’s in her 6th year of doing it effortlessly.
She’s also always 16 in my head. I think that’s what gets me emotional the most. She exists in two realms for me: as the 27 year old woman she is now and as the 16 year old she was then. To see someone flourish while remembering them as a child or a teenager means you’re constantly reflecting on how they’ve achieved the goals and the life you heard them describe wanting when they were younger. I get so overwhelmed and proud of all the versions of her I’ve seen.
The best shot I have of helping you become this way is to put you around Auntie Stacie as often as I can, which is why I will always take you with me on that six-hour road trip to get a little sun.
I miss my sister, but it’s bearable because I love her more than I miss her. I know she is exactly where she wants and needs to be, and that gives me comfort. I know she is living her life in a way that is authentic and purposeful, and not a day is wasted. You will meet a lot of wealthy and successful people in your life, but never forget that Auntie Stacie is the richest person you’ll ever meet. When you take away all that the world has to offer, it is people like Auntie Stacie who will want for nothing and yet have everything.
