To Answer Your Question: Part 4

“How Do You Even Know This Song?”

For the most part, your dad and I have completely different tastes in music. We both love music, though, so that means you’re surrounded by some form of it on a regular basis. Right now, you lean more towards your dad’s penchant for punk rock, and that’s fine. You and I both know that when you’re in my car, you’re trying your best to sing along to my music. Your secret is safe with me, kid.

But, it did make me laugh when we were listening to my music and I shocked you by singing along. I was in a great mood, we were heading home, and I had already ignored your request to play your playlist twice. An old song by fun. came on my playlist and I could hear you quietly singing along, which made me smile. So, I started singing along and dancing my awkward mom dance that is completely devoid of sensuality, and you did your usual complaining: “Ugh, Mom, stooop.” But, you were laughing. We both were, and that’s one of the best feelings in my entire life.

Then, you asked me with the snobbiest tone, “How do you even know this song?”

First of all, the song is called “Stars” and it’s fire. Always will be. The entire second half of that song is auto-tuned, and everyone in my generation has a nostalgic appreciation for that effect. If they say they don’t, they’re lying. T-Pain was the soundtrack to every Saturday night at Graham’s in Nashville back then. I’m not proud of it, but it’s a fact.

Secondly, this band’s song writing capabilities are insane. Their lyrics are upbeat while painfully raw, and I enjoy that dichotomy as an English major. I respect a man who can be clever and vulnerable with his words. A few of their songs talk about how much they miss their parents. In the one we were listening to, he sings:

“Some nights I rule the world

With bar lights and pretty girls

But most nights I stay straight and think about my mom

Oh God, I miss her so much”

I like that. It’s comforting to me because I don’t hear a lot of adults talking about how much they miss being around their parents in the same way they were around them as children. It’s like people grow up and refuse to admit there was comfort there. Maybe not for everyone, but I know it’s true for others, and I don’t know why it’s not discussed more.

Thirdly, this entire album reminds me of taking the train from Munich to Amsterdam in 2012. We were living in Germany and your dad had just returned from his deployment to Afghanistan. We took a couple of weeks to travel and hit Austria, Munich, Amsterdam, and the Canary Islands. This album came out right about the time we started that trip, and I listened to it on repeat on the way to Amsterdam. I sat across from an old man who was traveling with his wife and I offered them both some of my chocolate covered raisins. They didn’t speak English, but I could tell the wife didn’t want the husband to eat any. She motioned no for both of them. But, when she wasn’t looking, the old man opened his hand to me and raised his eyebrows. So, I snuck him some of the raisins, and I continued to secretly share them the entire ride. I was so homesick in Germany, and I always wondered if the opportunity to travel was worth the way I ached for my family. There’s a song on this album called “Some Nights” that was pretty popular, and there’s a part that always gutted me:

“So this is it? I sold my soul for this?

Washed my hands of that for this?

I miss my mom and dad for this?”

Those are the lyrics that I wrestled with on that train ride. When I say wrestled, I just mean that I kept replaying it and tossing those words around in my head to see how truly they rang for me. I pick songs apart based on lyrics, but that’s literally what I spent six years of my life training to do. Old habits die hard, so I probably won’t stop doing this anytime soon. I feel like I’m making the memory sound way more depressing than it was. It wasn’t sad, though. It was beautiful because I had words going straight into my ears that I felt were written for me as I watched this gorgeous European landscape unfold before me on the train. I remember feeling guilty, like maybe I should share my headphones with your dad and let him hear what I was experiencing, but I decided against it. Sometimes, it can be disappointing when you expect someone to hear and feel the same thing you do, and they just can’t because they aren’t you. So, I kept that moment for myself, and I think about it every time you and I sing along to this song in the car nearly a decade later.

Lastly, just because something is new to you does not mean it is new to me. There was an entire world going about its business before you were born, which means I was actually an entire person even before you were born. I existed before you came on the scene, and my life then was full of its own experiences and memories. This band reminds me of who I was in college. That’s when they were The Format, and I saw them twice. Each time was with a different boyfriend and I won’t apologize for living, so relax. The lead singer is a tiny man with a huge voice, and there was another guy who looked a lot like Will Ferrell when he did the cowbell scene on SNL. They sang about heartbreaks while blasting trumpets and beating kick drums, and it gave you the feeling that maybe we all were taking ourselves a bit too seriously after all. They also had a song called Oceans, which was the inspiration for the nickname Rachel and I gave the blue-eyed guy that worked in the writing lab for the English department. Don’t get it twisted, Rachel and I never needed help with our writing. We [thought we] were wordsmiths. We were just broke wordsmiths who didn’t own printers, so we went there regularly to print out our last minute papers. But, that’s besides the point.

I know this song because I’ve heard it dozens of times during different points of my life. I continue listening to it because I like how it makes me feel when I remember these moments.

I know this song because I have personal interests outside of you. I enjoy music and literature and art. These interests are a part of my personality, just like your favorite songs are a part of yours.

I know this song because it gives me a 3-minute period to reflect on my other definers. I love being your mom, but that’s not the only thing I am. It’s not the only person I’ve been, and it’s not the only person I will be in the future. It’s weird to realize your parents are just people. Trust me, I know this and I’ve experienced it myself. But, as you get older and see more signs of the person I am outside of being your mom, I think you’ll become even more grateful for the role all the important adults play in your life. These people carry their own interests, experiences, goals, and disappointments every day, and yet they still take the time to interact with you with the hope that that interaction will better your life. Many people live their lives solely for themselves, and they’re happy…I think. Other people live their lives for everyone else, and I think they’re more stressed than most. I’ve been both types of people, and now I’m trying to find a happy middle ground between the two. It’s not in my personality to live only for myself. It’s just not who I am, and that initiative doesn’t make me feel good. So, I’m going to do what I can to make the best decisions that benefit myself, you, and the people that are closest to my heart.

On days when I struggle to make those decisions, I might ignore your playlist request and play mine loudly instead. You’re going to have to just humor me and sing along. One day, you’ll be 32, and you’ll smile to yourself when you hear this song and remember these moments we made after school. I know you won’t regret it because it’s the same way I feel every time I hear Lisa Lisa’s “Head to Toe” and remember singing along with my own mom.

And, Nan and I still nail that song every time we get the chance.